14 years ago
Angels vs. Demons
In my life I've entertained both angels and demons. By this I mean people who are representative of them both. Some people in my life help me fill it with joy, happiness, smiles - all the good stuff. And well, others come and bring the opposite my way. I always leave them feeling a little depleted. It took a while for me to figure out how I could really tell the two apart. And what came to me is this: demons come to see how much they can get, while angels come to see just how much they can give. I thank God for my angels.
I Made the Decision to Have Gastric Bypass Surgery
In April of 2008 I made the decision to have gastric bypass surgery. I wrote about my journey in the September 2009 edition of StarChild, and in anticipation of the November 2010 edition, I am revisiting my story in an effort to help someone else who may be struggling with their weight. Here is part one of the six part series:
A picture may be worth a thousand words, but to me they just added on a thousand extra pounds. I hated the way I looked, I hated looking in the mirror. All I wanted was to be as awesome on the outside as I was on the inside.
For me, gastric bypass wasn’t about being physically healthy. I was fat, but perfectly healthy. I didn’t have diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure or any other co-morbid condition.
But mentally? My weight was impacting me negatively. I had sunk into a deep depression that no medication could help ease.
It was an endless cycle and it went like this: get very depressed because I was overweight, turn to food to cheer me up, hate myself even more for eating what I just ate, get more depressed about being overweight, eat something else to make me feel better.
It never ended.
The only choice that made sense to me was to seek a surgical intervention to my ongoing problem.
Travel with me in this edition of StarChild as I take you on my mental journey down the road to weight loss.
Who am I?
For now just call me NTAGABTF.
A picture may be worth a thousand words, but to me they just added on a thousand extra pounds. I hated the way I looked, I hated looking in the mirror. All I wanted was to be as awesome on the outside as I was on the inside.
For me, gastric bypass wasn’t about being physically healthy. I was fat, but perfectly healthy. I didn’t have diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure or any other co-morbid condition.
But mentally? My weight was impacting me negatively. I had sunk into a deep depression that no medication could help ease.
It was an endless cycle and it went like this: get very depressed because I was overweight, turn to food to cheer me up, hate myself even more for eating what I just ate, get more depressed about being overweight, eat something else to make me feel better.
It never ended.
The only choice that made sense to me was to seek a surgical intervention to my ongoing problem.
Travel with me in this edition of StarChild as I take you on my mental journey down the road to weight loss.
Who am I?
For now just call me NTAGABTF.
On the Brink of Surgery - A Hope for a New Me
It's the eve of my operation and I have created a new word: SNERVOUS. It sums up how I am feeling right now; both scared and nervous. I am 48 hours away from the surgery I have been waiting almost 3 years to have. I am scheduled to undergo Roux-N-Y Gastric Bypass this coming Wednesday. This is not the lap band surgery where I can change my mind or make adjustments, this is the real deal - - cut the stomach, make it smaller, reattach it, lose weight. I know, I made it sound kind of simple, but that is the nuts and bolts of it. I guess I can use this SNERVOUS energy I have to give a little background as to how I got here... From as far back as I can remember, I've never been skinny. I always managed to carry a little extra meat on my bones. I remember back when I was a child, one of my nicknames was Piggy. I also had an uncle who would greet me by saying "that MUST be jelly, cause jam don't shake like that!".
Even as a teen I was aware of my extra baggage. Looking back though, I'm shocked to think that was what I called fat. Now I would donate a pinky toe to be the size I was then! I'd be lying if I said that my eating habits have always been the best. They haven't. But I'd also be lying not to throw in that I have been on steroid-ish medication and have also had a baby. I think all three of these are factors that have landed me here. For 3 years I was in a weight loss program that would eventually allow me to be approved for surgery. However, the ironic thing is that the the program required me to lose weight BEFORE getting the surgery. (Duh! If I could successfully do that, do ya' think I'd be campaigning to be operated on? Not!) When I was going through the insurance approval process to have gastric bypass surgery, several people were giving me the evil side-eye. Their position was, "You lost a whole bunch of weight back in the day, why don’t you just do that again?"
Well for starters, losing weight was the by-product not the ultimate goal. I had really gotten into Buddhism and wanted all my life areas to align, so I incorporated healthy living into my daily points of meditation. Basically my day went like this:
Get up at 6am, put on a garbage bag, then a girdle and then some bike shorts and a t-shirt. Before I left to exercise, I would have a shot. It consisted of 1/2 lemon juice, 1/2 vinegar and a tablespoon of water. I would run/walk around the park about 3 miles, meditate and pray, come home, get changed, go to classes, go to the workout facility where I would spend a half hour each on 4 elliptical type machines (treadmills are for sissies by the way) and then spend the last 20 minutes of my workout lifting weights and toning. Once done with that and changed, I went back to classes. If I had an early day and it was nice outside, I would treat myself to a swim at the local indoor pool. 40 laps were my goal. No problem.
When my day was finally over, I made myself one of two things: either a can of corn or peas with a sprinkle of pepper, or a salad with fat free pretzels for croutons, cut up fat free turkey, and fat-free dressing.
This was my routine which lasted about 8 months. The results lasted until I got pregnant..
For those who asked, "now how come you didn’t just do all that again?" Well, to recap, I worked out 3 times a DAY (6 days a week) and starved myself. Translate even further, I had all the time in the world on my hands and I did NOT need to lose a whole other person. I’m a mother now, I’m older now, there is no way I could have found the time to do all of that. Weight loss has got to be something of a b*tch when you have Oprah lamenting on not being successful at it. She’s one of the wealthiest women in the universe and can afford to do ANYTHING to lose the weight. If she’s struggling with it, imagine what someone like myself must have been going through?
Trust me. I hate that it had to come to this... that I'm so d*mn fat I need to have surgery to get myself together. But you know what? In my book, the end justifies the means. I compare this procedure to bankruptcy, for real.... it's a legal and ethical way to begin to wipe the slate clean from mistakes and missteps I took in the past. Only difference is we’re talking weight instead of money. Some people go through a bankruptcy, only to have to file again later in life for making the same bad choices. And from what I hear there are people who have had this surgery and STILL wind up right back in obesity-ville. I am not only hoping, but I am PLANNING so that I may be successful in this quest. I'm bracing myself for success!
Pray with me and for me….
NTAGABTF
Even as a teen I was aware of my extra baggage. Looking back though, I'm shocked to think that was what I called fat. Now I would donate a pinky toe to be the size I was then! I'd be lying if I said that my eating habits have always been the best. They haven't. But I'd also be lying not to throw in that I have been on steroid-ish medication and have also had a baby. I think all three of these are factors that have landed me here. For 3 years I was in a weight loss program that would eventually allow me to be approved for surgery. However, the ironic thing is that the the program required me to lose weight BEFORE getting the surgery. (Duh! If I could successfully do that, do ya' think I'd be campaigning to be operated on? Not!) When I was going through the insurance approval process to have gastric bypass surgery, several people were giving me the evil side-eye. Their position was, "You lost a whole bunch of weight back in the day, why don’t you just do that again?"
Well for starters, losing weight was the by-product not the ultimate goal. I had really gotten into Buddhism and wanted all my life areas to align, so I incorporated healthy living into my daily points of meditation. Basically my day went like this:
Get up at 6am, put on a garbage bag, then a girdle and then some bike shorts and a t-shirt. Before I left to exercise, I would have a shot. It consisted of 1/2 lemon juice, 1/2 vinegar and a tablespoon of water. I would run/walk around the park about 3 miles, meditate and pray, come home, get changed, go to classes, go to the workout facility where I would spend a half hour each on 4 elliptical type machines (treadmills are for sissies by the way) and then spend the last 20 minutes of my workout lifting weights and toning. Once done with that and changed, I went back to classes. If I had an early day and it was nice outside, I would treat myself to a swim at the local indoor pool. 40 laps were my goal. No problem.
When my day was finally over, I made myself one of two things: either a can of corn or peas with a sprinkle of pepper, or a salad with fat free pretzels for croutons, cut up fat free turkey, and fat-free dressing.
This was my routine which lasted about 8 months. The results lasted until I got pregnant..
For those who asked, "now how come you didn’t just do all that again?" Well, to recap, I worked out 3 times a DAY (6 days a week) and starved myself. Translate even further, I had all the time in the world on my hands and I did NOT need to lose a whole other person. I’m a mother now, I’m older now, there is no way I could have found the time to do all of that. Weight loss has got to be something of a b*tch when you have Oprah lamenting on not being successful at it. She’s one of the wealthiest women in the universe and can afford to do ANYTHING to lose the weight. If she’s struggling with it, imagine what someone like myself must have been going through?
Trust me. I hate that it had to come to this... that I'm so d*mn fat I need to have surgery to get myself together. But you know what? In my book, the end justifies the means. I compare this procedure to bankruptcy, for real.... it's a legal and ethical way to begin to wipe the slate clean from mistakes and missteps I took in the past. Only difference is we’re talking weight instead of money. Some people go through a bankruptcy, only to have to file again later in life for making the same bad choices. And from what I hear there are people who have had this surgery and STILL wind up right back in obesity-ville. I am not only hoping, but I am PLANNING so that I may be successful in this quest. I'm bracing myself for success!
Pray with me and for me….
NTAGABTF
Dropping the Pounds and Reclaiming My Self Worth
It’s been 1 month since the surgery and I’ve lost 42 pounds already. (GEEKED) I’m getting around pretty well and recovering at a steady pace. I realize however that all of my healing is not physical. Emotionally I have had to come to grips with some things. In particular, I’ve had to deal with what I call the “Tyrone” situation. ”Tyrone” (not his real name) is a guy I met over the Internet and convinced myself to fall for. I never should have looked his way. He never should have caught my attention. He is the mistake that managed to linger for 9 long, drawn out, drama filled, lie-infested months. And all because he loved "big women". Travel with me for a minute. Take a glimpse into my world. Let me give you an example of how being overweight had totally shredded my self-esteem. Let’s say a guy I was interested in wouldn't give me the time of day. In my mind it was automatically because I was big. On the flip side though, if a guy I was interested in DID give me the time of day, I didn't know how to act because I kept wondering, "Why does he want me?"
I found myself doing one of two things when I managed to snag a guy. I either gave too much, too soon, in the hopes I could keep him around and convince him of how awesome of a chick I was, you know, despite my size. Or I'd be totally disinterested and angry with him, wondering why he was "sweating me" when I was so ugly and fat. I had never had a guy approach me strictly because he loved big women. So in my warped, self-esteemless world, “Tyrone” was actually a breath of fresh air. He was nice to look at, and he wanted me for me. All 309 pounds of me was beautiful to him. And the needy, lonely, sad, depressed side of me clung to this with reckless abandon. Despite him lying to me, cheating on me, bringing other girls to my house when I wasn’t there, arguing with me, being selfish, talking to other girls on my phone, instant messaging other girls from my computer, cussing me out and a whole bunch of other stuff I care not to think about at the moment, I stayed with him. I really thought I loved him. All because he loved me as I was (translation: he loved me big).
The irrational and worthless part of me placed him on a pedestal for loving me in spite of my size. But the rational part of me, with it's quiet voice, kept reminding me that the very thing he loved about me, was the very thing I hated. What he looked at lovingly, I looked at with utter contempt. How could I "love" someone who "loved" the WORST part of me? I really tried to subscribe to the "he loves me the way I am" line of thought. And if I was satisfied with myself then this supposed unconditional love would have been a blessing. But in this case, it was a curse. While I didn't want to be with someone who was going to constantly be on me to lose weight, I also was not satisfied being with someone who celebrated the unhealthy parts of me. These are just a few of the emotions that accompanied my ginormous weight gain. Emotions that I dealt with every second of every day. And in all honesty, I'd say that me having gastric bypass surgery was 85% about my mental health and 15% about my physical health. I went to the operating table with borderline high cholesterol as my only health issue, that's it. Not heart attacks, diabetes, sleep apnea, joint aches or other serious ailments that morbid obesity can contribute to. I always joke that I'm big, but healthy. But I also knew that I was gaining on average 10 pounds a year and I didn't want to continue on that pattern. Something had to be done to stop the madness. For me, it took surgery to break the cycle. All of that to say, after not speaking to “Tyrone” since before the surgery, he sent me an e-mail out of the blue last night that contained only three simple words: "I miss you."
And after I took a slow sip of my Crystal Light Lemonade (one of the only beverages I can drink now), I sent him a reply that contained only two simple words: “F*ck you”. I realize that it's not only weight I'm losing, but bullsh*t and drama, too.
A change is a-comin'....
Naw, bump that, change is HERE! Be peace and pray for me.
-NTAGABTF
Thoughts of a Fat Girl
Unrecognizable
Disguisable
No one seems to know me
Been celibate for 8 months now
Seems nobody wants me
Self esteem at an all time low
People see that and it sucks
I’m tired of being that girl you know
That’s cute from the neck up
Supposed to be on a diet
But I don’t want to do right
Eat fast food almost every day
Then wonder why my clothes fit so tight
Got surgery in mind to correct my problem
Maybe that will soothe me
But even in that I’m scared to death
Not to die, but that my insurance won’t approve me
I keep thinking that surgery will change my life
If I said that “I didn’t” I’d be lying
To jack a line from a 50 cent song
I’m gonna get thin… or die trying
I’m tired of being a fat girl
I’m tired of shopping at Lane Bryant
I’m tired of the same Ashley Stewart gear
I’m tired of feeling like a giant
I’m ready for change
I want to embrace life
I’m ready to set the real me free
I’m ready for change to manifest in my life
I just hope that change is ready for me…
© 2008 NTAGABTF
Disguisable
No one seems to know me
Been celibate for 8 months now
Seems nobody wants me
Self esteem at an all time low
People see that and it sucks
I’m tired of being that girl you know
That’s cute from the neck up
Supposed to be on a diet
But I don’t want to do right
Eat fast food almost every day
Then wonder why my clothes fit so tight
Got surgery in mind to correct my problem
Maybe that will soothe me
But even in that I’m scared to death
Not to die, but that my insurance won’t approve me
I keep thinking that surgery will change my life
If I said that “I didn’t” I’d be lying
To jack a line from a 50 cent song
I’m gonna get thin… or die trying
I’m tired of being a fat girl
I’m tired of shopping at Lane Bryant
I’m tired of the same Ashley Stewart gear
I’m tired of feeling like a giant
I’m ready for change
I want to embrace life
I’m ready to set the real me free
I’m ready for change to manifest in my life
I just hope that change is ready for me…
© 2008 NTAGABTF
On an all about me note - 31 months after surgery
I write this today, October 27th. 31 months after having gastric bypass surgery. I went from a size 28-30 to my current size 2-4. I am the smallest I have ever been in my entire life. At my smallest I always thought I'd wind up at a size 10. I have far surpassed my own expectations, which is partly a good thing and partly to my own chagrin.
When I look in the mirror now, I do not identify with the old me. I never see myself as the formerly obese Brandee. It's weird though because I see alot of my relatives in myself. Imagine looking in the mirror and seeing a clear picture of an aunt staring back at you. It's like my face and body are not my own, but belong to someone else. But I am happy in the skin I'm in, even though I am still a work in progress.
My eating habits are strange now. On some days I can eat a full meal, on other days all I can muster is a few bites before I'm full. The best way that I eat is to have several small meals a day. But even that is sometimes hard to do because I am rarely ever truly hungry. As far as my relationship with food goes, I can honestly say I simply view it as fuel to keep my body running properly.
Alot of people ask me if I have the problem of excess skin. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have that problem, but to me it's not that bad. My body was far from perfect when I was big, and even at my smallest, it is far from perfect now. I'm hoping that cosmetic surgery is something I can one day afford to do. I'd love to be able to wear a bikini!
When I look in the mirror now, I do not identify with the old me. I never see myself as the formerly obese Brandee. It's weird though because I see alot of my relatives in myself. Imagine looking in the mirror and seeing a clear picture of an aunt staring back at you. It's like my face and body are not my own, but belong to someone else. But I am happy in the skin I'm in, even though I am still a work in progress.
My eating habits are strange now. On some days I can eat a full meal, on other days all I can muster is a few bites before I'm full. The best way that I eat is to have several small meals a day. But even that is sometimes hard to do because I am rarely ever truly hungry. As far as my relationship with food goes, I can honestly say I simply view it as fuel to keep my body running properly.
Alot of people ask me if I have the problem of excess skin. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have that problem, but to me it's not that bad. My body was far from perfect when I was big, and even at my smallest, it is far from perfect now. I'm hoping that cosmetic surgery is something I can one day afford to do. I'd love to be able to wear a bikini!
NTAGABTF (The Definition)
As some of you may know or maybe by now you have guessed, the NTAGABTF chick is me, Brandee Cartwright aka B.da Oso StarChild. Today marks the 17th month in commemoration of my surgery. This time 18 months ago, I was 309 lbs and creeping into a clothing size of 28-30. Thankfully though, I’m at the opposite end of the weight loss spectrum; completely happy with where I am.
In closing, I’ll leave you with my own little survey:
Three things I miss about being obese:
Nothing…at…all
Three things I love about my weight loss:
1) I feel normal, complete and confident.
2) My shoe size went from a size 11 to a size 9 ½.
3) I can now walk in stilettos.
4) I can wear a size 4.
5) People who haven’t seen me in a while not knowing who I am.
Quirks I still have from when I was obese:
I’m still acting new to bending over. When I was obese it felt like punishment. I used to spray oil sheen on my legs instead of lotion them just so I didn’t have to bend over. Now I’m not sure why I still sometimes do this.
D*mn it feels good to:
Shop ANYWHERE! Although I do kinda miss Ashley Stewart; that place is the bomb!
Secret Confession:
I used to hate it when my skinny friends asked my opinion on their outfit. I hated it even more when they wanted me to go shopping with them. I didn’t WANT to dress a skinny b*tch...I wanted to BE A skinny b*tch! Alot of times when they wanted me to go to the store with them, I told them I was busy. Quietly, I wasn't. Unless being depressed and jealous is a real activity. Then in that case, yes, I was VERY busy!
And finally...the question that will close my time here out:
What does NTAGABTF mean?
The acronym is a reminder to me that food is simply physical fuel to keep my body going. Being healthy is an activity in wholeness, where the spiritual, mental, and physical are all in alignment. And it may sound silly, but little reminders such as NTAGABTF help keep me on the right track so that I won’t have to revisit the previous phase of my life.
So what does NTAGABTF mean? Simply…
Nothing Tastes as good as Being Thin Feels
In closing, I’ll leave you with my own little survey:
Three things I miss about being obese:
Nothing…at…all
Three things I love about my weight loss:
1) I feel normal, complete and confident.
2) My shoe size went from a size 11 to a size 9 ½.
3) I can now walk in stilettos.
4) I can wear a size 4.
5) People who haven’t seen me in a while not knowing who I am.
Quirks I still have from when I was obese:
I’m still acting new to bending over. When I was obese it felt like punishment. I used to spray oil sheen on my legs instead of lotion them just so I didn’t have to bend over. Now I’m not sure why I still sometimes do this.
D*mn it feels good to:
Shop ANYWHERE! Although I do kinda miss Ashley Stewart; that place is the bomb!
Secret Confession:
I used to hate it when my skinny friends asked my opinion on their outfit. I hated it even more when they wanted me to go shopping with them. I didn’t WANT to dress a skinny b*tch...I wanted to BE A skinny b*tch! Alot of times when they wanted me to go to the store with them, I told them I was busy. Quietly, I wasn't. Unless being depressed and jealous is a real activity. Then in that case, yes, I was VERY busy!
And finally...the question that will close my time here out:
What does NTAGABTF mean?
The acronym is a reminder to me that food is simply physical fuel to keep my body going. Being healthy is an activity in wholeness, where the spiritual, mental, and physical are all in alignment. And it may sound silly, but little reminders such as NTAGABTF help keep me on the right track so that I won’t have to revisit the previous phase of my life.
So what does NTAGABTF mean? Simply…
Nothing Tastes as good as Being Thin Feels
Dropping the Pounds and Reclaiming My Self Worth
It’s been 1 month since the surgery and I’ve lost 42 pounds already. (GEEKED) I’m getting around pretty well and recovering at a steady pace. I realize however that all of my healing is not physical. Emotionally I have had to come to grips with some things. In particular, I’ve had to deal with what I call the “Tyrone” situation. ”Tyrone” (not his real name) is a guy I met over the Internet and convinced myself to fall for. I never should have looked his way. He never should have caught my attention. He is the mistake that managed to linger for 9 long, drawn out, drama filled, lie-infested months. And all because he loved "big women". Travel with me for a minute. Take a glimpse into my world. Let me give you an example of how being overweight had totally shredded my self-esteem. Let’s say a guy I was interested in wouldn't give me the time of day. In my mind it was automatically because I was big. On the flip side though, if a guy I was interested in DID give me the time of day, I didn't know how to act because I kept wondering, "Why does he want me?"
I found myself doing one of two things when I managed to snag a guy. I either gave too much, too soon, in the hopes I could keep him around and convince him of how awesome of a chick I was, you know, despite my size. Or I'd be totally disinterested and angry with him, wondering why he was "sweating me" when I was so ugly and fat. I had never had a guy approach me strictly because he loved big women. So in my warped, self-esteemless world, “Tyrone” was actually a breath of fresh air. He was nice to look at, and he wanted me for me. All 309 pounds of me was beautiful to him. And the needy, lonely, sad, depressed side of me clung to this with reckless abandon. Despite him lying to me, cheating on me, bringing other girls to my house when I wasn’t there, arguing with me, being selfish, talking to other girls on my phone, instant messaging other girls from my computer, cussing me out and a whole bunch of other stuff I care not to think about at the moment, I stayed with him. I really thought I loved him. All because he loved me as I was (translation: he loved me big).
The irrational and worthless part of me placed him on a pedestal for loving me in spite of my size. But the rational part of me, with it's quiet voice, kept reminding me that the very thing he loved about me, was the very thing I hated. What he looked at lovingly, I looked at with utter contempt. How could I "love" someone who "loved" the WORST part of me? I really tried to subscribe to the "he loves me the way I am" line of thought. And if I was satisfied with myself then this supposed unconditional love would have been a blessing. But in this case, it was a curse. While I didn't want to be with someone who was going to constantly be on me to lose weight, I also was not satisfied being with someone who celebrated the unhealthy parts of me. These are just a few of the emotions that accompanied my ginormous weight gain. Emotions that I dealt with every second of every day. And in all honesty, I'd say that me having gastric bypass surgery was 85% about my mental health and 15% about my physical health. I went to the operating table with borderline high cholesterol as my only health issue, that's it. Not heart attacks, diabetes, sleep apnea, joint aches or other serious ailments that morbid obesity can contribute to. I always joke that I'm big, but healthy. But I also knew that I was gaining on average 10 pounds a year and I didn't want to continue on that pattern. Something had to be done to stop the madness. For me, it took surgery to break the cycle. All of that to say, after not speaking to “Tyrone” since before the surgery, he sent me an e-mail out of the blue last night that contained only three simple words: "I miss you."
And after I took a slow sip of my Crystal Light Lemonade (one of the only beverages I can drink now), I sent him a reply that contained only two simple words: “F*ck you”. I realize that it's not only weight I'm losing, but bullsh*t and drama, too.
A change is a-comin'....
Naw, bump that, change is HERE! Be peace and pray for me.
-NTAGABTF
Daddy Issues
It just hit me 4 days ago that I got daddy issues
Had to grab a couple tissues
As I cried my eyes out
Mourning over an existence I did not create
Searching for a father in every one of my mates
Just to realize no love could be found
They all were cut from the same cloth
Same circus, different clowns
I got daddy issues
Cause my daddy wasn't there
And when he was he was still unavailable
His love for me was unfair
He was emotionally distant
Inconsistent
But in trying to gain his acceptance
My actions were persistent
I couldn't get through to him
So I took my love elsewhere
Invested in the wrong men
And remained unaware
All this time I thought I was just unlucky in love
All this time I was gravitating toward the wrong men to love
My dad messed me up
I hate using a crutch or a scapegoat
But this here be too much
I think I'm smarter than the average bear
Yet for some reason I bear
The sins of my father
On my heart
And I'm looking to do things differently
But don't know where to start
Been this way for over 2 decades
It's gonna be hard to change
It seems hard to exchange
My range
For falling in love with the bad guy and the guy who is strange
But I gotta start some place
The bad messages I have to erase
From my mind's eye
Gotta remind myself that I don't need a guy
To make me feel important
Loved
Give myself a hug
When I need one
And stop looking for someone
Outside of me to complete me
I'm the best me that I can be
...Even if I do have daddy issues
Had to grab a couple tissues
As I cried my eyes out
Mourning over an existence I did not create
Searching for a father in every one of my mates
Just to realize no love could be found
They all were cut from the same cloth
Same circus, different clowns
I got daddy issues
Cause my daddy wasn't there
And when he was he was still unavailable
His love for me was unfair
He was emotionally distant
Inconsistent
But in trying to gain his acceptance
My actions were persistent
I couldn't get through to him
So I took my love elsewhere
Invested in the wrong men
And remained unaware
All this time I thought I was just unlucky in love
All this time I was gravitating toward the wrong men to love
My dad messed me up
I hate using a crutch or a scapegoat
But this here be too much
I think I'm smarter than the average bear
Yet for some reason I bear
The sins of my father
On my heart
And I'm looking to do things differently
But don't know where to start
Been this way for over 2 decades
It's gonna be hard to change
It seems hard to exchange
My range
For falling in love with the bad guy and the guy who is strange
But I gotta start some place
The bad messages I have to erase
From my mind's eye
Gotta remind myself that I don't need a guy
To make me feel important
Loved
Give myself a hug
When I need one
And stop looking for someone
Outside of me to complete me
I'm the best me that I can be
...Even if I do have daddy issues
Startastic Quote of the Day
"A life with love will have some thorns, but a life without love will have no roses."
Lessons Love Has Taught Me (verse 6-4)
Lessons Love Has Taught Me (verse 6-4)
6. Patience
A wise man once told me that patience isn't about waiting, but what you do while you wait. And this is especially true in matters of the heart. On many occasions I've wanted my love to jump when I said jump, or at least ask how high? Only to be let down when neither thing happened in the time I wanted it to. It got to a point where I felt like disappointment was my very best friend.
Discouraged and disillusioned, I would give my mate the evil side eye for not meeting my needs in a timely fashion, when through it all I was looking to the wrong person to supply.
What I realize now is that God is He who supplies all my needs. And he uses my mate to supply me with overflow, in HIS timing thus bringing happiness and sustenance to the relationship.
5. Don't Judge a Book By It's Cover
Love comes in all shapes, forms and fashions. What you see on the outside is not always indicative of the kind of love you will receive. I've learned to use my third eye to discern who means me well. It sees way more than my other 4 eyes and has 20/20 vision always.
4. Sex is overrated
One word, 4 syllables: INTIMACY. In to me, see. This is the place where true love is expressed. Not through sex. Any two fools can bump uglies. But intimacy is created through trust, gentleness, and patience. It's a tender kiss, holding hands for no reason, a tender massage, gazing in one another's eyes. It's a beautiful thing when experienced correctly.
(Verses 3-1 after the jump)
6. Patience
A wise man once told me that patience isn't about waiting, but what you do while you wait. And this is especially true in matters of the heart. On many occasions I've wanted my love to jump when I said jump, or at least ask how high? Only to be let down when neither thing happened in the time I wanted it to. It got to a point where I felt like disappointment was my very best friend.
Discouraged and disillusioned, I would give my mate the evil side eye for not meeting my needs in a timely fashion, when through it all I was looking to the wrong person to supply.
What I realize now is that God is He who supplies all my needs. And he uses my mate to supply me with overflow, in HIS timing thus bringing happiness and sustenance to the relationship.
5. Don't Judge a Book By It's Cover
Love comes in all shapes, forms and fashions. What you see on the outside is not always indicative of the kind of love you will receive. I've learned to use my third eye to discern who means me well. It sees way more than my other 4 eyes and has 20/20 vision always.
4. Sex is overrated
One word, 4 syllables: INTIMACY. In to me, see. This is the place where true love is expressed. Not through sex. Any two fools can bump uglies. But intimacy is created through trust, gentleness, and patience. It's a tender kiss, holding hands for no reason, a tender massage, gazing in one another's eyes. It's a beautiful thing when experienced correctly.
(Verses 3-1 after the jump)
10 Lessons Love Has Taught Me (verse 10 through verse 7)
10. Mark your progress.
It's hard to see that someone is evolving when their evolution seems to be crawling at a snail's pace. That does not mean they are not "getting on the same page". It simply means it's taking them longer to process and get through "what is written". We've all heard about being "unequally yoked" and sometimes all that means is we're not on the same page. Just like he can't force you not to read ahead, you can't force him to read any faster. As long as you all are reading the same book, you're on the path to righteousness. Mark the progress you've made and practice patience. All things come in due time.
9. Verbal abuse - that sh*t hurts!
Some may think that since they are not "laying hands" on another individual, that it is okay to rip them a new a**hole every now and again. It's not. When you feel the motivation strike to spew venom at another, before you let go of the final blow remind yourself that, you can't unring a bell. Once the words are out there, what's done and said is done and said. Remember, it's not about being right. It's about being beneficial. Use words to motivate and uplift and leave the gutter talk where it belongs, in the gutter.
8. "One of us must love more / one of us will love less"
Women, to the best of your ability, ALWAYS get a man who loves you MORE than you love him. As women, we can grow to love. But with a man? If he doesn't love your dirty drawers from jump, he never will.
7. Reciprocity is a wish list item when you are a STARTASTIC individual. If it seems that you are constantly giving more in your relationship, chances are you are by "gifting" what is known as "a giver". A giver is a person who will always give the shirt off their back, give their last dollar...it's just who they are. And often times they feel unfulfilled in relationships because the love they give is not the love they are getting back. Recognize that nobody can love you better than God. And as long as He is loving on you, that is all the love you need. Your mate should simply be a reflection of the overflow of love from God. If you keep coming up with the short end of the stick, maybe it's time to reassess yourself as well as your relationship.
verses 6 through 3 after the jump...
It's hard to see that someone is evolving when their evolution seems to be crawling at a snail's pace. That does not mean they are not "getting on the same page". It simply means it's taking them longer to process and get through "what is written". We've all heard about being "unequally yoked" and sometimes all that means is we're not on the same page. Just like he can't force you not to read ahead, you can't force him to read any faster. As long as you all are reading the same book, you're on the path to righteousness. Mark the progress you've made and practice patience. All things come in due time.
9. Verbal abuse - that sh*t hurts!
Some may think that since they are not "laying hands" on another individual, that it is okay to rip them a new a**hole every now and again. It's not. When you feel the motivation strike to spew venom at another, before you let go of the final blow remind yourself that, you can't unring a bell. Once the words are out there, what's done and said is done and said. Remember, it's not about being right. It's about being beneficial. Use words to motivate and uplift and leave the gutter talk where it belongs, in the gutter.
8. "One of us must love more / one of us will love less"
Women, to the best of your ability, ALWAYS get a man who loves you MORE than you love him. As women, we can grow to love. But with a man? If he doesn't love your dirty drawers from jump, he never will.
7. Reciprocity is a wish list item when you are a STARTASTIC individual. If it seems that you are constantly giving more in your relationship, chances are you are by "gifting" what is known as "a giver". A giver is a person who will always give the shirt off their back, give their last dollar...it's just who they are. And often times they feel unfulfilled in relationships because the love they give is not the love they are getting back. Recognize that nobody can love you better than God. And as long as He is loving on you, that is all the love you need. Your mate should simply be a reflection of the overflow of love from God. If you keep coming up with the short end of the stick, maybe it's time to reassess yourself as well as your relationship.
verses 6 through 3 after the jump...
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