Obtaining Peace with No Closure

Closure is a cotton-pickin’ myth when your emotional assailants don’t want to take accountability for the part they played. I have no problem sitting down like adults to discuss child-like issues that I have encountered with others. I can sit quietly while the other party gets out all of their aggression, all the words they need to say, the yelling that may make them feel better. I can sit still for all of it.

When it came to getting closure in my most recent relationships, I kept hearing Matthew 7:5, “You hypocrite! First take the beam out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.” This was pivotal for me because in the past, I could only see what others had done wrong. But as I research, self-analyze and above all PRAY, it has come to my attention that I had some toxic traits too. I take pride in the strong black woman that I have become, who can identify the beam, be fed up with its position and how much detriment it adds to my everyday wellness and take that heavy beam out and cry on my own shoulder underneath its weight.

Let me say this; there is nobody walking this earth who is able to outdo me in pointing out my flaws. And I’m woman enough and responsible enough to let you have your punching bag moment and kick me while I have already admitted defeat.

But baaaaaby! Let us be clear. Neither one of us was perfect. And if I see you taking too much pleasure in calling out my bad and not enough energy invested in taking responsibility for your lack of good, well then at that point it’s not defense mechanisms that you’ll get. But rather a healthy dose of reality sealed with a goodbye (forever) kiss.

This is what you need to understand. I am not staying in the vicinity of people whose actions no longer serve me. I have made up my mind on who I want to be and if your presence doesn’t align with that vision, then your absence will have to do.

I’m not going to keep hugging you as you figuratively (yet continually) pierce me in my side and force feed me your poison. I am going to speak my piece (my peace), observe your response, and then toss you in the hands of our Savior.

You see, even at my worst, Jesus died for me. And if He loves me like that, then how dare I shrink to fit in someone’s box who obviously and clearly gives zero f*cks.

My doormat days have come to a close.

           ..and I promise if you couldn’t stand me then

                 you will absolutely hate me now. 

                       (And I am okay with that)

Brandee 4.4 - Let the Newness and Peace Begin

I am so thankful to be alive to see my 44^th birthday! Life, even though hard at times, is better now than I could have ever imagined. I cannot believe I had the audacity to try and kill myself a few times. Yet I am extremely thankful to be in a place mentally where suicide is nowhere in my thought process.

I am so thankful to be alive to see my 44^th birthday! 4 is my all-time favorite number so the fact that I am 44 years old now means a heck of a lot to me. I did some research on the Biblical significance of these numbers and found out that the period between Jesus' crucifixion and his ascension was 44 days.

The number 4 derives its meaning from creation because on the fourth day of what is called 'creation week' God completed the material universe. On this day He brought into existence our sun, moon, and all the stars (Genesis 1:14 - 19) whose purpose was to give off light. 

It is so awesome that for 2019 God took me through the process of getting rid of all the grime and dirt that had absolutely NOTHING to do with me, in an effort to clean me up and allow me to really become the woman, the servant, the mother, the BEING that He intended for me to be.  I've never felt freer, more alive, more aware and more authentic. I look forward to this journey of self-discovery and am thankful that it has been confirmed within the meaning of the number 4. Here is what I mean:

On the 4th day God completed the material / physical universe. The spiritual realm was already in order, and then the physical had to be completed. On a personal level I can relate to this because I am strong and confident and whole in the Spirit. This was the first year ever where I navigated solely on faith. TRANSLATION: EVERY FRIGGIN DECISION quickly and suddenly worked for my good and to the glory of God. My faith muscles got the workout of a lifetime this year and now it’s time to move in confidence within this skin and this reality I find myself in. I have the freedom (and a tad bit of wisdom) to learn from the things and people and situations around me, whatever that may look like, whatever it may entail.

On the 4th day the light-bearing entities; sun, moon and stars were spoken into existence. It's no coincidence that for this 44^th year I’ve been putting “aspiring beam of light” as my soul’s occupation. My expectation is for the Lord to make me lighter and brighter, so I can shine for His glory.

This is also the first year, at least since I was a wee tyke, where I am not focused on relationships or romantic love. My heart's desire is to get back to ministry and I'm allowing my Lord to have me all to Himself so that this aspiring beam of light can shine without blockage, interference, distractions or shadows.

I am so thankful to be alive to see my 44^th birthday! I am both a work in progress and masterpiece doing her best to MASTER PEACE. For my 44^th year this is what I decree: