It's the eve of my operation and I have created a new word: SNERVOUS. It sums up how I am feeling right now; both scared and nervous. I am 48 hours away from the surgery I have been waiting almost 3 years to have. I am scheduled to undergo Roux-N-Y Gastric Bypass this coming Wednesday. This is not the lap band surgery where I can change my mind or make adjustments, this is the real deal - - cut the stomach, make it smaller, reattach it, lose weight. I know, I made it sound kind of simple, but that is the nuts and bolts of it. I guess I can use this SNERVOUS energy I have to give a little background as to how I got here... From as far back as I can remember, I've never been skinny. I always managed to carry a little extra meat on my bones. I remember back when I was a child, one of my nicknames was Piggy. I also had an uncle who would greet me by saying "that MUST be jelly, cause jam don't shake like that!".
Even as a teen I was aware of my extra baggage. Looking back though, I'm shocked to think that was what I called fat. Now I would donate a pinky toe to be the size I was then! I'd be lying if I said that my eating habits have always been the best. They haven't. But I'd also be lying not to throw in that I have been on steroid-ish medication and have also had a baby. I think all three of these are factors that have landed me here. For 3 years I was in a weight loss program that would eventually allow me to be approved for surgery. However, the ironic thing is that the the program required me to lose weight BEFORE getting the surgery. (Duh! If I could successfully do that, do ya' think I'd be campaigning to be operated on? Not!) When I was going through the insurance approval process to have gastric bypass surgery, several people were giving me the evil side-eye. Their position was, "You lost a whole bunch of weight back in the day, why don’t you just do that again?"
Well for starters, losing weight was the by-product not the ultimate goal. I had really gotten into Buddhism and wanted all my life areas to align, so I incorporated healthy living into my daily points of meditation. Basically my day went like this:
Get up at 6am, put on a garbage bag, then a girdle and then some bike shorts and a t-shirt. Before I left to exercise, I would have a shot. It consisted of 1/2 lemon juice, 1/2 vinegar and a tablespoon of water. I would run/walk around the park about 3 miles, meditate and pray, come home, get changed, go to classes, go to the workout facility where I would spend a half hour each on 4 elliptical type machines (treadmills are for sissies by the way) and then spend the last 20 minutes of my workout lifting weights and toning. Once done with that and changed, I went back to classes. If I had an early day and it was nice outside, I would treat myself to a swim at the local indoor pool. 40 laps were my goal. No problem.
When my day was finally over, I made myself one of two things: either a can of corn or peas with a sprinkle of pepper, or a salad with fat free pretzels for croutons, cut up fat free turkey, and fat-free dressing.
This was my routine which lasted about 8 months. The results lasted until I got pregnant..
For those who asked, "now how come you didn’t just do all that again?" Well, to recap, I worked out 3 times a DAY (6 days a week) and starved myself. Translate even further, I had all the time in the world on my hands and I did NOT need to lose a whole other person. I’m a mother now, I’m older now, there is no way I could have found the time to do all of that. Weight loss has got to be something of a b*tch when you have Oprah lamenting on not being successful at it. She’s one of the wealthiest women in the universe and can afford to do ANYTHING to lose the weight. If she’s struggling with it, imagine what someone like myself must have been going through?
Trust me. I hate that it had to come to this... that I'm so d*mn fat I need to have surgery to get myself together. But you know what? In my book, the end justifies the means. I compare this procedure to bankruptcy, for real.... it's a legal and ethical way to begin to wipe the slate clean from mistakes and missteps I took in the past. Only difference is we’re talking weight instead of money. Some people go through a bankruptcy, only to have to file again later in life for making the same bad choices. And from what I hear there are people who have had this surgery and STILL wind up right back in obesity-ville. I am not only hoping, but I am PLANNING so that I may be successful in this quest. I'm bracing myself for success!
Pray with me and for me….
NTAGABTF
