It’s been 1 month since the surgery and I’ve lost 42 pounds already. (GEEKED) I’m getting around pretty well and recovering at a steady pace. I realize however that all of my healing is not physical. Emotionally I have had to come to grips with some things. In particular, I’ve had to deal with what I call the “Tyrone” situation. ”Tyrone” (not his real name) is a guy I met over the Internet and convinced myself to fall for. I never should have looked his way. He never should have caught my attention. He is the mistake that managed to linger for 9 long, drawn out, drama filled, lie-infested months. And all because he loved "big women". Travel with me for a minute. Take a glimpse into my world. Let me give you an example of how being overweight had totally shredded my self-esteem. Let’s say a guy I was interested in wouldn't give me the time of day. In my mind it was automatically because I was big. On the flip side though, if a guy I was interested in DID give me the time of day, I didn't know how to act because I kept wondering, "Why does he want me?"
I found myself doing one of two things when I managed to snag a guy. I either gave too much, too soon, in the hopes I could keep him around and convince him of how awesome of a chick I was, you know, despite my size. Or I'd be totally disinterested and angry with him, wondering why he was "sweating me" when I was so ugly and fat. I had never had a guy approach me strictly because he loved big women. So in my warped, self-esteemless world, “Tyrone” was actually a breath of fresh air. He was nice to look at, and he wanted me for me. All 309 pounds of me was beautiful to him. And the needy, lonely, sad, depressed side of me clung to this with reckless abandon. Despite him lying to me, cheating on me, bringing other girls to my house when I wasn’t there, arguing with me, being selfish, talking to other girls on my phone, instant messaging other girls from my computer, cussing me out and a whole bunch of other stuff I care not to think about at the moment, I stayed with him. I really thought I loved him. All because he loved me as I was (translation: he loved me big).
The irrational and worthless part of me placed him on a pedestal for loving me in spite of my size. But the rational part of me, with it's quiet voice, kept reminding me that the very thing he loved about me, was the very thing I hated. What he looked at lovingly, I looked at with utter contempt. How could I "love" someone who "loved" the WORST part of me? I really tried to subscribe to the "he loves me the way I am" line of thought. And if I was satisfied with myself then this supposed unconditional love would have been a blessing. But in this case, it was a curse. While I didn't want to be with someone who was going to constantly be on me to lose weight, I also was not satisfied being with someone who celebrated the unhealthy parts of me. These are just a few of the emotions that accompanied my ginormous weight gain. Emotions that I dealt with every second of every day. And in all honesty, I'd say that me having gastric bypass surgery was 85% about my mental health and 15% about my physical health. I went to the operating table with borderline high cholesterol as my only health issue, that's it. Not heart attacks, diabetes, sleep apnea, joint aches or other serious ailments that morbid obesity can contribute to. I always joke that I'm big, but healthy. But I also knew that I was gaining on average 10 pounds a year and I didn't want to continue on that pattern. Something had to be done to stop the madness. For me, it took surgery to break the cycle. All of that to say, after not speaking to “Tyrone” since before the surgery, he sent me an e-mail out of the blue last night that contained only three simple words: "I miss you."
And after I took a slow sip of my Crystal Light Lemonade (one of the only beverages I can drink now), I sent him a reply that contained only two simple words: “F*ck you”. I realize that it's not only weight I'm losing, but bullsh*t and drama, too.
A change is a-comin'....
Naw, bump that, change is HERE! Be peace and pray for me.
-NTAGABTF
