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January edition of StarChild

2011-01-10T20:26:00.001-08:00

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I'm an artist and I'm sensitive about my [work]

2011-01-10T20:19:00.000-08:00

So for the February edition of StarChild, I have this idea. I want to tell the story of love and happiness and then demise. Unfortunately everyone's happy ever afters don't always end as sweetly as they do in our favorite fairy tales. And I want to tell this story, via words and images in the February edition. Relying on poetry I've written when I've been in love and in unlove, I plan to tell my story, the one of love and loss and reclaiming myself when all is said and done. Working on it I feel so exposed, but I'm sure someone will be able to relate and that, for me, is everything!

Well I guess I'll get back to composing the February issue. Wish me luck!

Angels vs. Demons

2010-12-13T16:55:00.000-08:00

In my life I've entertained both angels and demons. By this I mean people who are representative of them both. Some people in my life help me fill it with joy, happiness, smiles - all the good stuff. And well, others come and bring the opposite their way. I always leave them feeling a little depleted. It took a while for me to figure out how I could really tell the two apart. And what came to me is this: demons come to see how much they can get, while angels come to see just how much they can give.

December Edition of StarChild

2010-12-13T07:19:00.000-08:00

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November Edition of StarChild

2010-11-05T11:52:00.001-07:00

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I Made the Decision to Have Gastric Bypass Surgery

2010-11-02T20:57:00.000-07:00

In April of 2008 I made the decision to have gastric bypass surgery. I wrote about my journey in the September 2009 edition of StarChild, and in anticipation of the November 2010 edition, I am revisiting my story in an effort to help someone else who may be struggling with their weight. Here is part one of the six part series:

A picture may be worth a thousand words, but to me they just added on a thousand extra pounds. I hated the way I looked, I hated looking in the mirror. All I wanted was to be as awesome on the outside as I was on the inside.

For me, gastric bypass wasn’t about being physically healthy. I was fat, but perfectly healthy. I didn’t have diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure or any other co-morbid condition.

But mentally? My weight was impacting me negatively. I had sunk into a deep depression that no medication could help ease.

It was an endless cycle and it went like this: get very depressed because I was overweight, turn to food to cheer me up, hate myself even more for eating what I just ate, get more depressed about being overweight, eat something else to make me feel better.

It never ended.

The only choice that made sense to me was to seek a surgical intervention to my ongoing problem.

Travel with me in this edition of StarChild as I take you on my mental journey down the road to weight loss.

Who am I?

For now just call me NTAGABTF.

On the Brink of Surgery - A Hope for a New Me

2010-11-02T20:56:00.000-07:00

It's the eve of my operation and I have created a new word: SNERVOUS. It sums up how I am feeling right now; both scared and nervous. I am 48 hours away from the surgery I have been waiting almost 3 years to have. I am scheduled to undergo Roux-N-Y Gastric Bypass this coming Wednesday. This is not the lap band surgery where I can change my mind or make adjustments, this is the real deal - - cut the stomach, make it smaller, reattach it, lose weight. I know, I made it sound kind of simple, but that is the nuts and bolts of it. I guess I can use this SNERVOUS energy I have to give a little background as to how I got here... From as far back as I can remember, I've never been skinny. I always managed to carry a little extra meat on my bones. I remember back when I was a child, one of my nicknames was Piggy. I also had an uncle who would greet me by saying "that MUST be jelly, cause jam don't shake like that!".

Even as a teen I was aware of my extra baggage. Looking back though, I'm shocked to think that was what I called fat. Now I would donate a pinky toe to be the size I was then! I'd be lying if I said that my eating habits have always been the best. They haven't. But I'd also be lying not to throw in that I have been on steroid-ish medication and have also had a baby. I think all three of these are factors that have landed me here. For 3 years I was in a weight loss program that would eventually allow me to be approved for surgery. However, the ironic thing is that the the program required me to lose weight BEFORE getting the surgery. (Duh! If I could successfully do that, do ya' think I'd be campaigning to be operated on? Not!) When I was going through the insurance approval process to have gastric bypass surgery, several people were giving me the evil side-eye. Their position was, "You lost a whole bunch of weight back in the day, why don’t you just do that again?"

Well for starters, losing weight was the by-product not the ultimate goal. I had really gotten into Buddhism and wanted all my life areas to align, so I incorporated healthy living into my daily points of meditation. Basically my day went like this:

Get up at 6am, put on a garbage bag, then a girdle and then some bike shorts and a t-shirt. Before I left to exercise, I would have a shot. It consisted of 1/2 lemon juice, 1/2 vinegar and a tablespoon of water. I would run/walk around the park about 3 miles, meditate and pray, come home, get changed, go to classes, go to the workout facility where I would spend a half hour each on 4 elliptical type machines (treadmills are for sissies by the way) and then spend the last 20 minutes of my workout lifting weights and toning. Once done with that and changed, I went back to classes. If I had an early day and it was nice outside, I would treat myself to a swim at the local indoor pool. 40 laps were my goal. No problem.

When my day was finally over, I made myself one of two things: either a can of corn or peas with a sprinkle of pepper, or a salad with fat free pretzels for croutons, cut up fat free turkey, and fat-free dressing.
This was my routine which lasted about 8 months. The results lasted until I got pregnant..

For those who asked, "now how come you didn’t just do all that again?" Well, to recap, I worked out 3 times a DAY (6 days a week) and starved myself. Translate even further, I had all the time in the world on my hands and I did NOT need to lose a whole other person. I’m a mother now, I’m older now, there is no way I could have found the time to do all of that. Weight loss has got to be something of a b*tch when you have Oprah lamenting on not being successful at it. She’s one of the wealthiest women in the universe and can afford to do ANYTHING to lose the weight. If she’s struggling with it, imagine what someone like myself must have been going through?

Trust me. I hate that it had to come to this... that I'm so d*mn fat I need to have surgery to get myself together. But you know what? In my book, the end justifies the means. I compare this procedure to bankruptcy, for real.... it's a legal and ethical way to begin to wipe the slate clean from mistakes and missteps I took in the past. Only difference is we’re talking weight instead of money. Some people go through a bankruptcy, only to have to file again later in life for making the same bad choices. And from what I hear there are people who have had this surgery and STILL wind up right back in obesity-ville. I am not only hoping, but I am PLANNING so that I may be successful in this quest. I'm bracing myself for success!

Pray with me and for me….

NTAGABTF

Dropping the Pounds and Reclaiming My Self Worth

2010-11-02T20:54:00.000-07:00

It’s been 1 month since the surgery and I’ve lost 42 pounds already. (GEEKED) I’m getting around pretty well and recovering at a steady pace. I realize however that all of my healing is not physical. Emotionally I have had to come to grips with some things. In particular, I’ve had to deal with what I call the “Tyrone” situation. ”Tyrone” (not his real name) is a guy I met over the Internet and convinced myself to fall for. I never should have looked his way. He never should have caught my attention. He is the mistake that managed to linger for 9 long, drawn out, drama filled, lie-infested months. And all because he loved "big women". Travel with me for a minute. Take a glimpse into my world. Let me give you an example of how being overweight had totally shredded my self-esteem. Let’s say a guy I was interested in wouldn't give me the time of day. In my mind it was automatically because I was big. On the flip side though, if a guy I was interested in DID give me the time of day, I didn't know how to act because I kept wondering, "Why does he want me?"

I found myself doing one of two things when I managed to snag a guy. I either gave too much, too soon, in the hopes I could keep him around and convince him of how awesome of a chick I was, you know, despite my size. Or I'd be totally disinterested and angry with him, wondering why he was "sweating me" when I was so ugly and fat. I had never had a guy approach me strictly because he loved big women. So in my warped, self-esteemless world, “Tyrone” was actually a breath of fresh air. He was nice to look at, and he wanted me for me. All 309 pounds of me was beautiful to him. And the needy, lonely, sad, depressed side of me clung to this with reckless abandon. Despite him lying to me, cheating on me, bringing other girls to my house when I wasn’t there, arguing with me, being selfish, talking to other girls on my phone, instant messaging other girls from my computer, cussing me out and a whole bunch of other stuff I care not to think about at the moment, I stayed with him. I really thought I loved him. All because he loved me as I was (translation: he loved me big).

The irrational and worthless part of me placed him on a pedestal for loving me in spite of my size. But the rational part of me, with it's quiet voice, kept reminding me that the very thing he loved about me, was the very thing I hated. What he looked at lovingly, I looked at with utter contempt. How could I "love" someone who "loved" the WORST part of me? I really tried to subscribe to the "he loves me the way I am" line of thought. And if I was satisfied with myself then this supposed unconditional love would have been a blessing. But in this case, it was a curse. While I didn't want to be with someone who was going to constantly be on me to lose weight, I also was not satisfied being with someone who celebrated the unhealthy parts of me. These are just a few of the emotions that accompanied my ginormous weight gain. Emotions that I dealt with every second of every day. And in all honesty, I'd say that me having gastric bypass surgery was 85% about my mental health and 15% about my physical health. I went to the operating table with borderline high cholesterol as my only health issue, that's it. Not heart attacks, diabetes, sleep apnea, joint aches or other serious ailments that morbid obesity can contribute to. I always joke that I'm big, but healthy. But I also knew that I was gaining on average 10 pounds a year and I didn't want to continue on that pattern. Something had to be done to stop the madness. For me, it took surgery to break the cycle. All of that to say, after not speaking to “Tyrone” since before the surgery, he sent me an e-mail out of the blue last night that contained only three simple words: "I miss you."

And after I took a slow sip of my Crystal Light Lemonade (one of the only beverages I can drink now), I sent him a reply that contained only two simple words: “F*ck you”. I realize that it's not only weight I'm losing, but bullsh*t and drama, too.
A change is a-comin'....

Naw, bump that, change is HERE! Be peace and pray for me.

-NTAGABTF

Thoughts of a Fat Girl

2010-11-02T20:51:00.000-07:00

Unrecognizable
Disguisable
No one seems to know me
Been celibate for 8 months now
Seems nobody wants me
Self esteem at an all time low
People see that and it sucks
I’m tired of being that girl you know
That’s cute from the neck up
Supposed to be on a diet
But I don’t want to do right
Eat fast food almost every day
Then wonder why my clothes fit so tight
Got surgery in mind to correct my problem
Maybe that will soothe me
But even in that I’m scared to death
Not to die, but that my insurance won’t approve me
I keep thinking that surgery will change my life
If I said that “I didn’t” I’d be lying
To jack a line from a 50 cent song
I’m gonna get thin… or die trying
I’m tired of being a fat girl
I’m tired of shopping at Lane Bryant
I’m tired of the same Ashley Stewart gear
I’m tired of feeling like a giant
I’m ready for change
I want to embrace life
I’m ready to set the real me free
I’m ready for change to manifest in my life
I just hope that change is ready for me…
© 2008 NTAGABTF

NTAGABTF (The Definition)

2010-10-27T20:36:00.000-07:00

As some of you may know or maybe by now you have guessed, the NTAGABTF chick is me, Brandee Cartwright aka B.da Oso StarChild. Today marks the 17th month in commemoration of my surgery. This time 18 months ago, I was 309 lbs and creeping into a clothing size of 28-30. Thankfully though, I’m at the opposite end of the weight loss spectrum;Ocompletely happy with where I am.

In closing, I’ll leave you with my own little survey:

Three things I miss about being obese:
Nothing…at…all

Three things I love about my weight loss:
1) I feel normal, complete and confident.
2) My shoe size went from a size 11 to a size 9 ½.
3) I can now walk in stilettos.
4) I can wear a size 4.
5) People who haven’t seen me in a while not knowing who I am.

Quirks I still have from when I was obese:
I’m still acting new to bending over. When I was obese it felt like punishment. I used to spray oil sheen on my legs instead of lotion them just so I didn’t have to bend over. Now I’m not sure why I still sometimes do this.

D*mn it feels good to:
Shop ANYWHERE! Although I do kinda miss Ashley Stewart; that place is the bomb!

Secret Confession:
I used to hate it when my skinny friends asked my opinion on their outfit. I hated it even more when they wanted me to go shopping with them. I didn’t WANT to dress a skinny b*tch...I wanted to BE A skinny b*tch! Alot of times when they wanted me to go to the store with them, I told them I was busy. Quietly, I wasn't. Unless being depressed and jealous is a real activity. Then in that case, yes, I was VERY busy!

And finally...the question that will close my time here out:

What does NTAGABTF mean?

The acronym is a reminder to me that food is simply physical fuel to keep my body going. Being healthy is an activity in wholeness, where the spiritual, mental, and physical are all in alignment. And it may sound silly, but little reminders such as NTAGABTF help keep me on the right track so that I won’t have to revisit the previous phase of my life.

So what does NTAGABTF mean? Simply…

Nothing Tastes as good as Being Thin Feels

Dropping the Pounds and Reclaiming My Self Worth

2010-10-27T20:19:00.000-07:00

October Edition of StarChild

2010-10-06T13:41:00.000-07:00

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Daddy Issues

2010-09-05T18:49:00.000-07:00

It just hit me 4 days ago that I got daddy issues
Had to grab a couple tissues
As I cried my eyes out
Mourning over an existence I did not create
Searching for a father in every one of my mates
Just to realize no love could be found
They all were cut from the same cloth
Same circus, different clowns
I got daddy issues
Cause my daddy wasn't there
And when he was he was still unavailable
His love for me was unfair
He was emotionally distant
Inconsistent
But in trying to gain his acceptance
My actions were persistent
I couldn't get through to him
So I took my love elsewhere
Invested in the wrong men
And remained unaware
All this time I thought I was just unlucky in love
All this time I was gravitating toward the wrong men to love
My dad messed me up
I hate using a crutch or a scapegoat
But this here be too much
I think I'm smarter than the average bear
Yet for some reason I bear
The sins of my father
On my heart
And I'm looking to do things differently
But don't know where to start
Been this way for over 2 decades
It's gonna be hard to change
It seems hard to exchange
My range
For falling in love with the bad guy and the guy who is strange
But I gotta start some place
The bad messages I have to erase
From my mind's eye
Gotta remind myself that I don't need a guy
To make me feel important
Loved
Give myself a hug
When I need one
And stop looking for someone
Outside of me to complete me
I'm the best me that I can be
...Even if I do have daddy issues

Preview of the August 2010 Edition of StarChild

2010-08-04T13:31:00.000-07:00

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August Edition of StarChild

2010-08-04T13:14:00.000-07:00

Open publication - Free publishing - More starchild

July Issue of StarChild

2010-08-04T13:12:00.000-07:00

Open publication - Free publishing - More swa-rai

June Edition of StarChild

2010-08-04T13:10:00.000-07:00

Open publication - Free publishing - More swa-rai

Startastic Quote of the Day

2010-05-06T13:04:00.000-07:00

"A life with love will have some thorns, but a life without love will have no roses."

Startastic Music Edition of StarChild (May 2010)

2010-05-06T13:03:00.001-07:00

Open publication - Free publishing - More young p

B.da Oso-ism

2010-04-30T12:52:00.000-07:00

"Dreaming of a future so bright / got me wearing sunglasses to bed at night."

Musical ysircopih for the day

2010-04-29T12:44:00.000-07:00

He'll Take the Pain Away - Kirk Franklin

Your Love - Nicki Minaj

Lessons Love Has Taught Me (verse 6-4)

2010-04-29T12:30:00.000-07:00

Lessons Love Has Taught Me (verse 6-4)

6. Patience
A wise man once told me that patience isn't about waiting, but what you do while you wait. And this is especially true in matters of the heart. On many occasions I've wanted my love to jump when I said jump, or at least ask how high? Only to be let down when neither thing happened in the time I wanted it to. It got to a point where I felt like disappointment was my very best friend.

Discouraged and disillusioned, I would give my mate the evil side eye for not meeting my needs in a timely fashion, when through it all I was looking to the wrong person to supply.

What I realize now is that God is He who supplies all my needs. And he uses my mate to supply me with overflow, in HIS timing thus bringing happiness and sustenance to the relationship.

5. Don't Judge a Book By It's Cover
Love comes in all shapes, forms and fashions. What you see on the outside is not always indicative of the kind of love you will receive. I've learned to use my third eye to discern who means me well. It sees way more than my other 4 eyes and has 20/20 vision always.

4. Sex is overrated
One word, 4 syllables: INTIMACY. In to me, see. This is the place where true love is expressed. Not through sex. Any two fools can bump uglies. But intimacy is created through trust, gentleness, and patience. It's a tender kiss, holding hands for no reason, a tender massage, gazing in one another's eyes. It's a beautiful thing when experienced correctly.

(Verses 3-1 after the jump)

February Issue of StarChild - It's all about the love

2010-01-29T09:05:00.001-08:00

Thought for today...

2010-01-22T10:38:00.001-08:00

When a man is in love or in debt, someone else has the advantage.

Thought for the day...

2010-01-17T22:19:00.001-08:00

Second place is the first loser. Go hard or go home!

Musical ysircopih for the day

2010-01-16T06:22:00.000-08:00

My Place - Tweet

In The Words of Satan - The Arrows

10 Lessons Love Has Taught Me (verse 10 through verse 7)

2010-01-02T20:35:00.000-08:00

10. Mark your progress.
It's hard to see that someone is evolving when their evolution seems to be crawling at a snail's pace. That does not mean they are not "getting on the same page". It simply means it's taking them longer to process and get through "what is written". We've all heard about being "unequally yoked" and sometimes all that means is we're not on the same page. Just like he can't force you not to read ahead, you can't force him to read any faster. As long as you all are reading the same book, you're on the path to righteousness. Mark the progress you've made and practice patience. All things come in due time.

9. Verbal abuse - that sh*t hurts!
Some may think that since they are not "laying hands" on another individual, that it is okay to rip them a new a**hole every now and again. It's not. When you feel the motivation strike to spew venom at another, before you let go of the final blow remind yourself that, you can't unring a bell. Once the words are out there, what's done and said is done and said. Remember, it's not about being right. It's about being beneficial. Use words to motivate and uplift and leave the gutter talk where it belongs, in the gutter.

8. "One of us must love more / one of us will love less"
Women, to the best of your ability, ALWAYS get a man who loves you MORE than you love him. As women, we can grow to love. But with a man? If he doesn't love your dirty drawers from jump, he never will.

7. Reciprocity is a wish list item when you are a STARTASTIC individual. If it seems that you are constantly giving more in your relationship, chances are you are by "gifting" what is known as "a giver". A giver is a person who will always give the shirt off their back, give their last dollar...it's just who they are. And often times they feel unfulfilled in relationships because the love they give is not the love they are getting back. Recognize that nobody can love you better than God. And as long as He is loving on you, that is all the love you need. Your mate should simply be a reflection of the overflow of love from God. If you keep coming up with the short end of the stick, maybe it's time to reassess yourself as well as your relationship.

verses 6 through 3 after the jump...

If I had a dog, he'd be this cool....

2009-12-31T08:15:00.001-08:00

My cousin Maurice's dog, Gizmo. Love him!

January 2010 Cover

2009-12-31T08:08:00.000-08:00

What's the deal with the star?

2009-12-31T02:58:00.000-08:00

"And the fifth angel sounded, and I saw a star fall from heaven unto the earth: and to him was given the key of the bottomless pit." Rev. 9:1

Everyone knows what a star is, but do you know what the star means? For us here at StarChild, it signifies greatness. Purpose. Our story has already been written and we are merely actors playing our dutiful role. We are the ones who help give life meaning. We are the ones who equate being “normal” with mediocrity. We are the ones that sacrifice on behalf of the better good. We go against the grain. We are the remnant. We are the chosen. Our light shines bright so that a people years away can still see it. Even once we’ve burned out. We are creating our mark. We are living legends. We validate one another. We help one another rise. We are the fearless. We are the believers in Christ. We ARE StarChild.

"Shunned mediocrity to master great / Stay true to myself like a virgin that won't even masturbate." - Deana Dean

Final Plea for 2009

2009-12-31T02:55:00.000-08:00

2009 was the year of judgment. A year when we were numerically admonished to make serious judgment calls within our lives. This was a year to take the magnifying glass of self reflection and examine friendships, relationships, business choices, career, financial matters, residency, and other pertinent areas of our lives.

Imagine yourself as a judge; black robe, gavel and all. And envision your job (you know, the one you hate going to?) standing before you, pleading its case as to why you should stay. Do the pros outweigh the cons? Or is the only pro a steady paycheck? Is this job growing you as a person? Or is it stifling your spirit? If the majority of the questions you ask of your job result in an overtly negative response, it’s time to come to grips with the fact that the gavel has already been banged and it’s been found guilty.

But as judge of your own situation, final sentencing rests in your hands. You can allow justice to continue to be perverted in your life, and give it a slap on the wrist sentence in spite of its guilt (i.e. investing another 9 years of your life working there). Or you can throw the book at it and quit tomorrow (which might be considered a harsh and irrational sentencing). The key thing to remember: the choice is yours. You and God alone are the judge AND jury. It’s not so much about making the “right” choice or the “wrong” choice. What seems to be the right decision today can become one of the worst decisions you ever made when you look back on it 10 years from now. But God honors our free will. He allows us the freedom to make choices, and then manages our decision through His grace and mercy. So that even when we make “dumb” decisions, more often than not we come out unscathed, unharmed, wiser and bubbling with a testimony we can share to help others.

Now some judgment calls will be pretty cut and dry. Or they should be at least. If you’re questioning whether or not to stay involved with your married lover or if you should stop stealing from the job you hate before you get caught, let me help you with that one. Any situation that does not align with the Word of God won’t prosper and will only bring about confusion. The longer you take to call a spade a spade is the more time you spend stuck in that situation, further diverting your attention away from your own greatness. The hardest of the judgments to make, in my opinion, is that of friendships and close relationships. Co-dependency, past history and feelings of indebtedness oftentimes prevent us from seeing people as they truly are. Our misguided heart doesn’t want to accept the fact that, in order to go to the next level, we must leave some people behind. It might be a manipulative parent, it could be an obsessively negative pal, it could be the significant other who takes you for granted, or the dream killer who never supports anything you do. And although toxic relationships are a hindrance, how do you tell your dad or best friend since childhood to basically, “kick rocks?”

The answer: you don’t.

What I’ve learned in my ___ years of life is that spewing off at the mouth to someone about how much they suck is hardly ever beneficial. It’s not your job to judge the person, but it is your responsibility to judge how the person is impacting your life.

Instead of seeing yourself as the judge now, see yourself as a lawyer. Put this “friend” or “relative” on trial and see if the evidence proves he is really an asset to your life. Don’t give in to the fallacy of history; believing that since they “used to be” pro-you, you still owe them your friendship. Maybe they cleaned up your puke that time you got drunk and hurled on yourself when you turned 21. Or when you were facing eviction, they let you crash on their couch. Or 3 years ago you two had a baby together. While all of these accomplishments got kudos at the time, the fact remains that those were your glory days and they really haven’t done anything noteworthy since.

True, God blessed you to have a baby via this woman, but if she’s not who you plan to spend the rest of your life with, why continue to have sex with her? And yes, they may have cleaned up your puke so long ago, but ever since then their actions toward you have made you feel like you want to vomit. Think about it like this: if the peach tree in your backyard only bore fruit for 2 years and then stopped, how good of a peach tree would it be? What if you sold peaches and your livelihood depended on this tree? Would you let it remain because of sentimental value? Or would you cut it down and make way for new peach trees?

The beautiful thing about this whole friendship judgment process is that the hardest part is simply admitting to yourself that you need to cut them loose. Once you have come to grips with that decision, simply begin to distance yourself from them. No need to make a grand announcement that you and this person are no longer cool. No need to post blogs on facebook and myspace declaring your independence from (or hatred of) this person. By simply backing off from you and this person’s usual routine, they’ll get the hint. Worst case scenario, they’ll confront you as to why you are acting unfamiliar. Best case scenario, they won’t even notice the change in you until you have fully accepted the change yourself.

Whatever the case, it is not too late to make 2009 more than a lukewarm year. Choose wisely the situations and people you plan to roll with.

Although our lives have already been written, it is up to us to turn the pages.

The key thing to remember: the choice is yours.

...And you deserve what you accept.

NEVER AGAIN IN 2010!

B.da Oso-ism...

2009-12-20T20:01:00.001-08:00

"There are two things which cannot die. That which is already dead, and that which refuses to die."

As if anybody asked me...

2009-12-20T12:40:00.000-08:00

I don't believe in anger. Maybe I shouldn't say don't believe. Maybe I should say I don't subscribe to it. Anger, as viewed by moi, is a mix of other lesser emotions. Hurt, disappointment, embarrassment, not getting your way...when I feel angry, I take a minute and ask myself, "What am I really feeling?" That gives me the opportunity to process what I'm really feeling, and then act from a more rational place.

Anger has never moved me. And as long as I continue to view it from this standpoint, it never shall.

Not that anyone asked me, but I just thought I'd share.

B.da Oso signing out.
Peace.

NEVER MISS AN ISSUE OF STARCHILD

2009-12-20T12:23:00.000-08:00

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Overheard....

2009-12-20T11:32:00.001-08:00

"The words of a person with more hurt more than the words of a person with less." A.Muhammad

B.da Oso-ism for the day...

2009-12-19T20:26:00.000-08:00

Guilt is a b*tch...and she makes bastard puppies.

The Re-Education of B.da Oso...

2009-12-17T21:26:00.000-08:00

I thought I was saved before
But I was fooling myself
Thought I was ruling myself
To the chagrin of my soul’s health
Baptized in the lake of fire
Faith refined like pure gold
Don’t need man to validate me
I AM THAT I AM has made me whole
Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth
Is my soul necessity
And the time has come for me to proclaim
Just how awesome God can really be
It’s all about relationship
Religion is not the place where I dwell
Treat me like a child with no understanding
Feed me milk and I suck titty
All the way to hell
The onus is on me to prove I am able
That I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me
No longer looking outside myself to find God
I’m walking in the knowledge that His spirit dwells in me
I have radical beliefs
I serve a radical God
The land of milk and honey is filling me to the brim
I’m operating in a New Jerusalem state of mind
2010
Is the rebirth of I…
Through HIM

As soon as yesterday

2009-12-17T20:52:00.000-08:00

He sleeps. I am wide awake (now). I spend each day trying to will him into my dreams. I know eventually he will make a re-appearance, but the impatience that cloaks my heart in iniquity, wants him as soon as yesterday.

Was he perfect? No. Was our love perfected? Indeed. When all was said and done, we had come full circle, entertaining one another as we had on day one.

Life hands individuals so many lemons, and eventually you get tired of making lemonade. We decided to take the lemons of life and create apple cider. We smiled knowingly at one another when people ask how do we do it.

This is the love I dream of. This is the love I long for. This is the love I hope for.

And I see it in my dreams, even though now I am wide awake. I spend each day hoping to make this dream come true.

Eventually it will, as soon as yesterday.

The last image for 2009

2009-12-17T01:00:00.000-08:00

Beneficial Love

2009-12-16T22:13:00.002-08:00

The night we met was the night our spirits had longed for. Our eyes locked and it was a wrap. Love at first sight? Or first sight of love?

I was Eve. He was Adam. And our spirits recognized one another and iron began to sharpen iron.

He made me want to be better. He loved me enough to want to be a better man.

We laughed often as we agreed that this right here was meant to be.

When he sleeps, I whisper sweet nothings in his ear:

"Greater is He that is in YOU than he that is in the world."

"Jehova is mi pastor." (Love will make you speak in tongues).

"The just shall live by faith."

"The meek shall inherit the earth."

"The kingdom of Heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force."

I love on him, not for my sake, but for the sake of the destiny God has planted within him.

Whether we love for now or love forever, let's promise to be beneficial.

And the moment we cease to be beneficial, let's embrace the season that has ended and move forward, knowing, that there is a new season ahead.

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to EVERY PURPOSE under the heaven"

Be peace. Be love.
B.da Oso StarChild

Role Reversal

2009-12-16T22:13:00.001-08:00

I think I can say this without negating my own humility: I'm a nice person. There. I said it. If life was a motion picture, I'd be the little fairy who went around with a magic wand, sprinkling fairy dust across the earth to make it a nicer, more loving place to live. I'd have on my pretty, pink tu-tu, and my rose colored glasses and would gently tap people with my startastic wand if I feel they needed a smile. That would be me. That would be the role I'd play.

And I've managed to play that role for 34 fun-filled years. And it is who I am. Like I said, I'm a nice person.

And you know what? For this season I am entering into; I'm not sure that nice is going to help us get to where we need to go.

So I'm apologizing in advance if you run up on me playing the bad guy. Know it's only a role and that at the bottom of my heart, there is love.

Afterall, I'm a nice person.

If your vagina got dressed, what would it wear?

2009-12-16T22:11:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I'm reading The Vagina Monologues, right? And one of the questions Eve Ensler (the author) asks some women is "If your vagina got dressed, what would it wear?"

So I allowed myself a couple of questions:

If your love got dressed, what would it wear?

Hmm...my love? I think it would wear an outfit that was subtle, comfortable, yet fierce. Showing curves, not cleavage. Purchased from Treasure Island, costing pennies yet priceless. Her jewelry and adornments would be the finest stones, the softest gold, and the clearest diamonds. Not all worn at the same time, mind you. This is what my love would wear.

If your faith got dressed, what would it wear?

My faith would wear a dirty beater, with JESUS' name written in blood on it. There would be dirt and grime on the bottom and 3 small holes in the back. I will have worn it faithfully over a long period of time and it will show that it has been worn in love. That is what my faith would wear.

If your trust got dressed, what would it wear?

(OUCH) Depends on who I'm being asked to trust. To some my trust would wear a black, pleather bodysuit, with a sword on one side in my belt and a small pocket Bible in my very tight pocket. To others my trust would have on a flowing white silk dress. Everytime the wind blew, the dress would gently sway with the breeze. But again, this depends on who we are talking about "my trust" getting dressed for.

If your anger got dressed, what would it wear?

DEFINITELY PAJAMAS!

(I'm silly...lol)

Ok, so allow yourself those same instances, same virtues / same vices. How would YOURS be dressed?

New Jerusalem State of Mind

2009-12-16T21:15:00.001-08:00

"And I John saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband." Rev. 21:2

This time last year I began planning my wedding. Had my ring picked out, wardrobe, music, feel. The only thing that was missing was the groom.

I realize now that when we prophesy, we prophesy in part and we understand in part.

And I only understood God's vision for my life...in part. In seeing my wedding, I longed to see my "husband". In thinking I found my husband, I put my dreams in a box. Limiting myself. Stifling myself. But more importantly, limiting God.

2009 saw me realizing that my currency was LOVE. Not a bad currency to have, but I dare someone go in Bloomingdales and try and buy something with "LOVE" as their only credit card. It's a beautiful and intricate currency, but the fact is, it is not accepted everywhere.

In 2010 my currency shall be the one that is accepted from Okinawa to Venezuela. Wealth, in the form of colorful bills, the likes of which I haven't ever seen. They shall flood my bank accounts, they shall feel good always in my hands. They shall come. They shall go. "Money is mine, wealth is mine," I hear the me who's already seen 2010 happily tell me. And I am gladdened and my heart leaps. I am able to thank Him in advance.

The dream:

I had a dream a few months ago and in the dream I was a teacup and liquid poured into me from above, making me overflow. Beside me to my left and right were each 6 teacups. And as my teacup overflowed, it began to flow into the cups of those to the side of me.

The liquid, poured in love, given FROM love, was currency. Accepted from the Grand Caymans to Bermuda to Los Angeles to Las Vegas.

The New Jerusalem is upon me. And 10/10/10 I'm having the party of a lifetime. Actually it will begin 10/5/10.

Feel free to RSVP now, for the New Jerusalem Party is IN FULL EFFECT.

trip into the wilderness

2009-12-11T05:49:00.000-08:00

In the wilderness, following hard after God (or what I think is God). Enticed by the lusts of the flesh, I scurry on. Trying hard to keep up with the bright and beautiful ray of light before me.

I finally catch up to the light, and when I touch it, it burns me and tries to leave me for dead. "The enemy comes to kill, steal and destroy", I hear a voice remind me. Realizing I was following after fools gold, I cry and beat myself over the head for being so, being so, being so dumb.

After my temper tantrum is over, I realize I'm stuck in the middle of a thicket, with no one now to lead me. I question what got me here. I question what I was following. I question if the path I'm even on is the right one. I ram my head into a tree to compensate for my stupidity. My head begins bleeding heavily and I've given myself a headache. I'm lost in a thicket (a wilderness) and I don't know where I'm going or how to get out.

I'm 2 seconds away from panicking when a dove lands in the tree beside me. I try not to pay it any attention, but it looks odd (and beautiful) amid the thorns and bushels that surround me on every side.

"What's the matter?" the dove asks me.

"I think I made the wrong decision. I think I followed the devil here. He was on the path in front of me and he enticed me and lead me to this place. I'm afraid I've disappointed God; and even more afraid I'm lost."

"Doesn't really matter if you followed the devil here" says the dove, knowingly. "at the end of the day, it is God who owns the wilderness."

(Safe)

Startastic thought of the day...

2009-12-09T08:15:00.002-08:00

When your life is on course with its purpose, you are your most powerful. You may stumble, but you will not fall, and you surely will not fail.

Thought for the day...

2009-12-09T08:15:00.001-08:00

It is hard to fight for what you believe in, but hard is never a reason not to fight.

Question of the day...

2009-12-09T07:23:00.000-08:00

QUESTION: What wilderness experience has helped you see your gifts more clearly?

The wilderness experience that has helped me see my God given gifts more clearly would have to be voluntarily leaving "the pulpit". After accepting my call to the ministry in 2001, it wasn't long before I began to feel highly uncomfortable speaking from the pulpit. For one, I always considered myself to be a better writer than a speaker. I always wanted to type out my sermon notes and pass them out after service.

Eventually, I backed away from the pulpit and plummeted into a wilderness space. It was within this space however, that I found my voice. And my voice was best heard when I put pen to paper (or phalanges to keyboard). StarChild was created from this space. Courage to be a CEO and entrepreneur was found within this space. And a Godfidence unlike any I ever knew, was found within this space.

I think when a person is lead into the wilderness unknowingly, it's not necessarily a good thing. But when a person willingly takes on an assignment to go in the wilderness, all kinds of wondrous things are bound to sprout from the adventure.

The star defeats the serpent

2009-12-09T07:01:00.000-08:00

I had a dream last night that I had a snake for a pet. He was hungry and got loose from his dwellings, in search of food. He came across my body and slithered and bit me. His bite did not sting, but his venom did. It did not kill me however.

Right before he died, the snake tried in vain to squeeze the life out of me. He failed utterly, crumpled up and died a horrible death.

When I awoke from my dream state, all I could think was how nasty and icky the snake felt around my body. Even as I type this, I can still feel it's dry as bone scales covering me and trying to squeeze for dear life.

I always did focus on the wrong things. Instead of finding strength in the fact that his venom did not harm me, or that his bite alone did not hurt me, or even that after he tried his very last attempt at trying to take me down by squeezing me, I still survived and he died, all I could think as I awoke from this dream was, "Ugh, that felt so icky!"

I am realizing as I type this that both dreams and life are not about how you feel, but how you react to what is going on. What do you hold in higher esteem, the stimuli that was presented to you or how YOU reacted TO the stimuli?

What part of your dreams are you focusing on? Are you even dreaming anymore? That's an even more important question.

On an all about Eve note...

2009-12-08T21:14:00.000-08:00

In an effort to empower my sisters (and myself) I'm taking a journey through the Bible and noting all of the women in there and what we can learn from them. The journey begins with Eve, the first woman. Mother of the beginning, and official scapegoat.

The first thing most people think when they hear the name Eve is "aint she the broad who bit the apple?"

First off, sweeties, it wasn't an apple, it was fruit. (Gen.3:6)

Secondly, they both ate of the fruit. Just so happens, Eve ate first.

It's a shame and a disservice to women everywhere to write her off negatively because of this happenstance.

My takeaway from good old Eve is that she knew what to do or say to persuade her husband. As a helpmeet, that is a PLUS! A wife SHOULD know how to get her husband to say yes. What she is getting him to say "yes" to, however, is what's more important. Is it yes to HER will, God's will, or something he wants to do anyway, but needs assurance in that area?

What is it that you want your HUSBAND to say yes to? And if he's not your husband, what steps are you taking to get him to say YES (or "I do") to you?

Startastic thought for the day (ok, night)

2009-12-08T21:07:00.000-08:00

When your life is on course with its purpose, you are your most powerful. You may stumble, but you will not fall, and you surely will not fail.

Startastic thought for the day...

2009-11-30T08:30:00.000-08:00

Daring ideas are like chessmen moved forward. They may be beaten, but they may start a winning game.

Never miss an issue of StarChild...

2009-11-16T08:16:00.000-08:00

Fill out the form below to be added to our mailing list. If you have any additional questions or comments, email us at iwannashine@starchildmagazine.com.

B.da Says...

2009-11-16T07:41:00.000-08:00

A Thankful Dissertation...

2009-11-16T07:39:00.000-08:00

When I was little my mother made sure I had it all. I was never wanting, never in lack. I can remember her taking me on shopping sprees to Lord and Taylor and Marshall Field's and I would sit in the car, angry because I WANTED to go to "Jew Town" and shop there. I didn't understand then why I couldn't dress like "everybody else". Shop where "everybody else" was shopping. Of course back then I didn't understand that "everybody else" was shopping there because they had to, not because they wanted to. But I was a kid. I didn't know.

Now that I'm older, however, my heart is lamenting on the fact that I am spoiled. It's not something I choose to be, but it's the way I was raised. I never had to make my bed as a kid, my mom did that. I never had to wash or iron my clothes, my mom did that. Didn't even really know how to cook, outside of a kick a** grilled cheese sandwich, because my mom always hooked me up. Even as an adult when I was living with her after my divorce, she still catered to the kid in me, loving me but at the same time inadvertently handicapping me. She's a good mother though, and this is how she mothers. And I love her for that...

So now at ______ years of age, though I am used to saying thank you at all the right moments, I realize that "thank you" for me, is more of a feeling than a state of being. I'm real enough to admit that though I say thank you for things, I feel a sense of entitlement. So the thank you doesn't come from my heart, but rather from my head. And I'm wise enough to know that there is nothing I can do to change this. To transform this thing about me. People can tune their behavior, but the fixing of iniquity can only be orchestrated by God. The sad part though, is many people are third-eye blind and refuse to see and identify their heart's iniquity. The only way to keep it real is to BE real. And from day one on my journey with Him, that is all I have been able to be. I gave God the worst of me, and vowed to be on the path to the best of me. And He has faithfully allowed me to make mistakes, to fall down, get hurt at times, and cry when necessary.

I used to beat myself up when I fell off the beaten "God-driven" path. But when I saw that I dwelled in God's hand, and that NOTHING could take me from that place, I realized that sometimes being "lost" was more like going to far up God's pinky, or getting kinda close to the thumb. I wasn't in the PALM where I was SUPPOSED to be, but at the end of the day, if I was still in His hand? Then I'm still right where I am supposed to be.

I say all of this to say, there is FREEDOM in Christ. Recognize where you are, but take the time to be real about WHO you are. The things that have gotten you this far THUS far...might just be coming to an end. But the gifts and calling of God are without repentance. If He has created you special, you are SPECIAL for a reason. Seek Him to find out what to do with those blessings that dwell within you.

The year 2010 will bring those in His will to a place of perfect completion. You still got a little bit of time to do some soul searching so that the new year can bring about a new and IMPROVED you!

Be well, be peace, be startastic.
B.da Oso

"If a fellow isn't thankful for what he's got, he isn't likely to be thankful for what he's going to get."
- Frank A. Clark

Eargasms - 11/07/10

2009-11-07T07:08:00.000-08:00

Relator - Peter Yorn f/ Scarlett Johansson

I love the song, I've been singing it for days. Particularly the part that says, "You can leave whenever you want out..." (so true). But I digress. I love the feel of the video, how unaffected ScarJo looks and how effortlessly she delivers her lyrics. Overall? Cool song.

It Was You - Emily King

Lyrics:
Right Now To The Way We Were
So In Love But Life
Soon Brings Change
Through Ones Eyes
He Cried Tears For Me
But By His Side
I Can No Longer Be

We Used To Talk All Night
Of Different Things, But U,
U Didnt Hear Me Cry
Our Love Is Ending
Somewhere Between The Lies
This Sadness I Could No Longer Hide

Cuz It Was You who brought The Sunlight
Back In My Life It Was You
Who Promised Me Forever
That Things Would Be Right
It Was You Who Made Me Cry,
Now To You I Say Goodbye
Through The Lies And The Truth
It Was You

And So My Love Goodbye
I'll Miss You So You've Though Gone
But Leaves Do Change
As Time Goes On
And Though We Parted In The Ends
For All The Time Spent In Love
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
I Thank You

Cuz It Was You who brought The Sunlight
Back In My Life It Was You
Who Promised Me Forever
That Things Would Be Right
It Was You Who Made Me Cry,
Now To You I Say Goodbye
Through The Lies And The Truth
It Was...

You Who Never Spoke Your Feelings
So Many Times I Tried To Tell You
That You Were Losing Me
But You Never Tried To Make Things Better
But You Didnt Choose To Seeeee My Pain
Now I've Got One Thing Left To Say
It Was You

Cuz It Was You who brought The Sunlight
Back In My Life It Was You
Who Promised Me Forever
That Things Would Be Right
It Was You Who Made Me Cry,
Now To You I Say Goodbye
Through The Lies And The Truth
It Was You

(Enough said)
Thoughts?

Eargasm - QTip and Norah Jones "Life is Better"

2009-10-31T10:39:00.000-07:00

Wealth assesment - THE CONCLUSION

2009-10-23T09:55:00.000-07:00

(Bare with me as this is my confession / therapy)

So I've written about wealth and just followed that note up with one about love. This be the final chapter in the quickest novel I've ever written.

Up until this point, when I thought about the word wealth, automatically dollar signs would dance around my head. I saw extravagance, living comfortably; green paper with presidents on them giving way to shopping sprees, opulence, being on yachts with old money people who smelled like spiders and Lagerfeld cologne. Don't laugh. This is what I envisioned wealth to be.

And every time I envisioned it, it seemed so far off. It was one of those things that was nice to think about but eh, probably would never happen. And I hated myself for the doubt that lie within me. On the one hand, I wanted it, but on the other hand, I was questioning if / when I would see it manifest. Double minded in my view. Not a good look.

That's when I had to be real with myself. I said to myself, "Self, you could care less about money. As long as your heart is happy, what you have in your pocket doesn't even matter. All those years you spent dreaming of "Mr. Right" had nothing to do with money. You were content to play in the park, have dinner by candlelight, WALK not SHOP the Magnificent Mile."

(If this part doesn't make sense, make sure you read the previous note: wealth assessment part 2)

My final thought is when I had my "ah-ha" moment. I simply told myself, "B. love is your currency."

(CURRENCY: something that is used as a medium of exchange; general acceptance; prevalence; something that is widely accepted and circulated.)

Wealth represents an abundance of currency. And I was birthed into the world with the currency of love. From the minute my father begged his wife (my mom) to bear his child, I was conceived in love. And my entire life could be summed up as me spending my "currency" (love) in the hopes of getting a good return on my investment. And it seems that all of the love I have put out into the universe has finally come back to me; pressed down, shaken, and running over.

Now that I have finally identified my currency and acknowledged my wealth, I understand that love was always my expectation. And wealth (i.e. money) shall be my gift. Love, to me, was the hard part. Money is a no-brainer.

Before, I would write from a place of pain and anguish and hoping. Now I feel free to write from a place of abundance, joy and sharing.

My cup runs over and I'm identifying the people who are seeking truth and evolution with cup firmly in hand.

Which is why I view StarChild as MORE than a magazine, but a movement. If we can inspire? We're THERE! If we can enlighten? We're THERE! If we can bring truth? Count us IN! If we can empower? You GOT it!

Here at StarChild we used to say that ideas are currency and everything else is just money. Well SC 4.0 is here and I'm changing that:

LOVE is currency...everything else is just money.

Spend wisely, spend purposefully and always pay yourself first.

Be blessed, be loved.

Wealth assesment - part 2

2009-10-23T08:58:00.000-07:00

For as far back as I can remember, my nighttime slumber began the same way. I lay in bed with my trusty yellow pillow, cut off the television, shut my eyes, and began to envision me and my perfect love.

When I was a teen, these pre-dreams often consisted of me and the hottest white actor. So for a few weeks it would be me and Ralph Macchio (Karate Kid) having a picnic. Then it would change to me and Rob Lowe swinging on swings at the park. When MTV got big my knight in shining armor was Richie Sambora (Bon Jovi); we'd wander around the Magnificent Mile in Chicago. My most memorable and longest lasting pre-dream crush was John Taylor (Duran Duran) sharing a 16 candle-esque candlelight dinner.

As I got older, and more knowledgeable about love (and lack thereof), the faces changed (and actually turned a little more negro-esque thanks to Donnie Simpson and BET), but the concept remained the same: I was in love with a man who adored me and we lived happily ever after.

These pre-sleep visions were my only solace as I found myself in relationships that left me depleted, defeated and sad. My shrink will say I slept alot because i was depressed. I say i slept alot because my (pre) dreams trumped my reality.

Stay tuned...

Wealth assessment (a startastic view)

2009-10-23T08:43:00.000-07:00

When I first began pushing my magazine StarChild full-throttle, I was inundated with outside projects that could lead to increased revenue. Several people requested my (paid) expertise for consulting. Others loved my photographic eye, and offered me money to take family pictures and senior photos of their children. Some wanted to pay me to market and/or speak at their events. For almost 99percent of these requests, I did not oblige. Not because the money wasn't good, but simply because my heart just wasn't in it.

One day I was having a conversation with my friend and best-selling author, Kareem Vaughn. He had a great idea he wanted me to execute. After he ran down on the details of the project, he said "All I need you to do is.." and I stopped him there. "I'm straight Kareem. I don't want to do it." He was taken aback. "Why? It's already something you know how to do? I'm PAYING YOU! You'll be making some extra money." I shook my head. "I'm just not feeling it." He reiterated, "but I will be PAYING YOU, Brandee." And that's when I said the words that still make him laugh uncomfortably to this day;"I'm not motivated by money." I said. Matter of factly and finitely.

When I heard those words come out of my mouth, I admit I kind of shocked myself, too. Afterall, I was still working at a 9-5 making bare bones money and struggling to find funding to keep StarChild up and running. On the one hand I always prayed to God for wealth, but on the other hand I was constantly turning down opportunities to achieve it. What the hell was wrong with me? I thought. I tried to convince myself that I was lazy, but my dedication to StarChild and gumption to continually show up to a job I loathed trumped that assessment.

So if it wasn't laziness, what was it? Why would I offer to do someone's wedding photography for free but shun the idea of doing paid photoshoots for people? Why wasn't I following up with business owners to run ads in SC but would not only run but CREATE an ad for free for a business owner if I felt enthused or empathetic toward their plight? Why was I so friggin backward? And how could I change this about myself? And if I didn't change this about myself, how the heck would I manage to achieve wealth? Or better question, did I really want the wealth I prayed for?

Stay tuned...

October Edition is Ready for viewing!

2009-10-08T20:41:00.001-07:00

Read and be blessed...

MereImage Speaking Engagement - 9.19.09

2009-10-02T00:51:00.000-07:00

I was recently asked to be a guest speaker for MereImage, Inc's "Peer to Peer Rap Session". It was a very exciting experience as I was able to indulge on my favorite passions: communicating effectively with today's youth.

It was refreshing for me to be around such an alert and enterprising group of students. I think sometimes I tend to put teenagers into a collective box; defined by what I perceive to be weird fashion, weirder language (LOLZ anyone?), brainless and loud music and raging hormones. Yeah, I know. I suck for that. LOLZ (ahem) But being in environments like these reminds me that they are individuals, alive with hope and innovative ideas...and I smile as I look forward to the contributions that they will make to society and our world at large.

Special thanks to Jackie Meredith for having me on board as a speaker. You are truly a gem!

September Issue of StarChild: DOING WHAT IT TAKES TO LOVE THE SKIN YOU'RE IN

2009-09-09T13:55:00.000-07:00

This issue is very near and dear to me as it contains my personal weight loss story. I always said that if surgery proved to be a success for me, I'd GLADLY be the poster child for a triumphant gastric bypass surgery.

I guess I'm getting my wish. :)

Click here to download the September issue:

This issue was sponsored by the following:

Another sure way to tell if you're startastic...

2009-09-09T04:42:00.001-07:00

“True nobility is being superior to your former self.”

I concur
...says b.da

One sure way to tell if you are startastic

2009-09-03T12:05:00.000-07:00

"My father taught me always to do more than you get paid for as an investment in your future." - Jim Rohn

I concur
...says b.da

August Edition of StarChild

2009-08-31T08:24:00.000-07:00

August Edition of StarChild Magazine

Imagine ME Speechless...!

2009-08-29T04:12:00.000-07:00

(written July 25,2009 and still trying to figure out the answer)

The hypothetical:

If I knew that someone I loved would die if they continued to eat the wrong foods, I would do everything in my power to ensure that they switched over to a healthy lifestyle. Even though I once was obese, and fully understand how hard it is to give up eating what you love to eat what is healthy, I would go out of my way to make sure they ate healthy. Buy them food, cook it for them, even handcuff them to the bed, put a lock on the refrigerator, duct tape their mouth shut if necessary. It's senseless to see someone die simply because they want to eat any old kind of way. And yes, I would go FULL-THROTTLE to ensure their longevity on earth by any means necessary.

The analogous question:

If I knew someone would go to Hell if they continued to live unsaved, would I do everything in my power to ensure that they switched over to a saved lifestyle? Even though I too have been unsaved? Even though I too have backslidden, and FULLY understand how hard it is to give up doing the things that bring (momentary) pleasure, comfort...Would I go out of my way to make sure they lived saved? Would I go out of my way to make sure they at least were given the choice to do so? Would I equip them with the knowledge to make that choice? What urgency is there in me to do so?

These were the questions posed to me today...

Questions to which, I don't know how to answer...

Freedom...Re-Imagined

2009-08-29T04:07:00.000-07:00

(written May 5, 2009)

I spent 9 long, fun-filled years at the same place of employment. While I wasn't happy there, I was definitely comfortable. There were a lot of worse places to work. I counted my blessings amid gritted teeth.

Several times I tried to make an exit. The final time I tried, Holy Spirit told me "stay". That was 7 years ago. Fast forward to April 21, 2009. I blatantly was given the go ahead to go, so I went. In shock I tried to wrap my head around what just happened and what should happen next. I felt like a 9 year relationship had been ended, and that I wasn't the one who did the dumping although I was the one who was miserable. Once I got over that, however, I realized that I had been set free.

The first and second week I felt like a newly freed slave. I had cried to massah for freedom but now that I had it I was crying and wishing I could be back under massah's care. With massah I KNEW what I was up against. I had been with Massah long enough to know what I could and couldn't do and WHEN I would be compensated. Knowing full well that I could expect compensation on the 15th and the 1st of each month gave me a peace of mind. And it was that, I realized, that was bothering me the most.

The next week I sought God's face for clarification on how to process what was happening. And bit by bit He began showing me that it wasn't being apart from Massah that had me riled up, but shifting my thinking to accept a new paradigm. If all of my needs are met by God anyway, Massah was merely a catalyst to my needs being met. I had to ask myself... did I really NEED massah or had I just gotten comfortable in believing massah had my back? Was I Massah's child or was I GOD'S child? Was I up for a faith walk or did I prefer massah's shackles?

Thus begins the installation of my present season of life. The newest chapter to the book called ME. Exit lowly cog in a wheel. Be gone little sheep among many. I have been fully awakened from the mindless 9-5 sleepwalk.

Say hello to the Reluctant Entrepreneur.

Rest and success never share the same bed...

2009-08-29T03:57:00.000-07:00

(written January 8, 2009)

I heard Puffy say once that he sleeps about a couple hours a day. I understand that now...and no, I'm not missing sleep because I'm deranged. He went on to say that you can sleep when you're dead, and I feel that, too. Most of the power moves that I have made recently have happened between 11:00p.m. and 8a.m.

While I don't mind having a 9 to 5 while I'm working to build up StarChild, I have to admit, a whole new mode of operating has opened up to me now that StarChild can be my main business focus.

And what's crazier yet is that I'm the same bland chick who would swear up and DOWN that I NEVER wanted to be a CEO, would NEVER want to run my own business, NEVER wanted that type of responsibility. The same fight I put up with myself on NEVER wanting to get married again was the same fight I waged on owning and running a business. I know, I'm whack. I have to get the word "never" out of my vocabulary. Real talk. Most things I said I would never do, I've done. And honestly? None of them were really that bad....

All of that to say, it's 10ish in the morning and I've been able to check off about 4 things from my StarChild to do list. YAY! As always, when I get finished, I'm going to post up on the chaise....turn on the Boondocks (season 2)...and hope not to fall asleep during one of their edgily funny (not sure edgily is a word but care~) episodes.

I think I told y'all that I have been accused as of late of living in Narnia. By that, my BFF meant that I was living in a fantasy world with some of my actions and thinking. Technically, he's right. I've always felt that my way was the BEST way. Now I leave it up to time to decipher if my actions are to the good or to the bad. Either way, it's done. Lesson learned if my decision sucked - - but serious gain if my decision rocked! I think 2009 is going to be about, not so much making the PERFECT choices, but just CHOOSING to do something and then DOING IT! Stick-to-it-tiveness will be honored this year...knowing when to fold 'em is ALWAYS honored (don't put good money after bad).

Ok, I've rambled enough....BUT I'm STICKING TO my resolution to blog more. So yay! Early morning victory for she who IS the victor!

Loving you and loving me,
B.da (BC)

An exhortation to all my haters...

2009-08-29T03:56:00.000-07:00

(written January 11, 2009)

I've never been one to concern myself with "haters". I'm a pretty likable gal...and kind of a big deal in some parts (mainly my house)...so even those who had the inclination to not like me were eventually swayed by my giddy demeanor, candor, and ability to make people just overall feel good.

But lately, as power moves continue to be made on my part, I have been vexed with (trivial) occurrences here and there that have led me to have to blog about those gosh darn haters. On the one hand, it's sad that they have nothing better to do than monitor my movements and try to block them. But then too it's encouraging to know that the moves I'm making are causing some peons to react. That means I'm on people's radar, which in my business, is a great place to be. :)

You know B.da gotta peep it from the spiritual, too. Haters, to me, aint nothing but small tests. Anyone who knows anything about me knows I have tunnel vision when it comes to StarChild and my brand. We call it "single focus" over here in the land of stars. :)

And as things are shifting into high gear for us in StarChild land, the test is to see what element will detract us from our goals? What will it take for YOU (me) to take your eyes off the prize?

I know for me recently it has been sickness. I been in and out the hospital 3 too many times in the past month alone! The first time I went (first week of December) I refused to even THINK about StarChild stuff. But let it be known, as SOON as they said I was being discharged... I was on the cell, delegating, preparing, making things happen so that our year end edition could be our best edition yet! (And it was, thank you very much...lol).

In the movie the Color Purple, you know how Nettie told Celie "nothing but death could keep me from it"? Well yeah, that's how I feel about this vision called StarChild.

So to the "haters", the peons, satan's minions, the buttheads...any and all who subscribe to operation: hate on the StarChild vision... do understand that it's bigger than me. You're gonna have to take a bunch MORE muh ucka's down to sh*t on this plan, SON (said in my best New York accent)! And even then, it STILL won't prosper. StarChild has a secret arsenal of spiritual weaponry that the looks of you have not even FATHOMED!

In closing I leave you with 3 of the sentiments that echo in my mental region at this current time:

1. "Touch not my anointed, and do my prophets no harm." I Chron. 16:22
(and yeah, I AM a prophetess.... now, hate on THAT?!)

2. "Write the vision, and make it plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it." Hab. 2:2

and lastly, a quote that an old friend said to me and that I have held onto ever since the words were written:

3. haters hate greatness

And now that I have waxed poetic about the subject of haters, I end this blog and end giving them place in my psyche.

God is too good all the time and LIFE is too good right now for me to be distracted. And guess what? I won't be. Now run and tell that....

...says bda

"you can roll up in a McLaren and STILL be THIS LITTLE in my life!"

"I hit the scene / n*ggaz duckin' from my guillotine stare / I'm right there / my every word a f*ckin nightmare"
- 2PAC (Makaveli)